Dirty Days.

When you talk to someone and get to the point that you established a connection. How do you know it's real. Call me an idiot for being hungover on a girl I met through the internet, but damn, does it hurt. Especially when you invest yourself and want to care.

At some point this week, I came to the conclusion that my ass was being ignored. Damn, don't I look like a damn fool. I can't figure out whether to cut her out my life or to just put her in the friend zone like back when it was good and she was there when all I wanted to do was talk. But at the same time, I know that when she roll through again, Im gon want to take her out and make her my girl again. Now all i think is: shit, I fucked it up with another girl. That's where I can't figure out if she was telling the truth telling me that she cared for me or just playing with me for the fun of knowing that she's a dime. Does it hurt because I invested that much into her, or is it because it's another girl that it didn't work out with. Regardless, I'm hurting hard. Maybe harder than I ever have before.

The worst part: I can't talk to no one, no family, no friends. They wouldn't understand. I can't show any of them that I'm hurting. The only ones that will figure it out, will realize that I'm sleeping during the day. That's my escape: sleeping. lol. They'd just call me an idiot and move on, but all I can do is give a shout out to the amazon. Until all this is done with, I wont be able to listen to that r&b without being down & hurtin.

I love the horoscope I got, smh: "Your relationships are likely to be more satisfying now as lovely Venus returns to your sign, bringing pleasure, beauty and creativity. But it's still difficult to enjoy the benefits of the planet of love because your mind is working overtime analyzing the interpersonal dynamics. Others might not even notice that you are preoccupied today. Unfortunately, the more you attempt to force things back into place, the more difficult it gets. Stop struggling to make sense of everything; the complexity will dissipate on its own."

Shit but i realized that this wasn't my only problem. That's when i thought, shit nigga, i need a big ass blunt. Got traffic court. Shit, I'm gon be prayin to the lord tonight! Can't be having that cop show up. $200 speeding ticket. So I got that, and i got all this school work and honestly, for my lazy ass, I've never had so much work to do. But after this ticket's out of my life, I can probably breathe again.

Til another day, when Deep Thought eats at my soul.

New Beginnings.

I'm actually going to treat this like a blog, no more stupid crap that I don't need in my life. I'm gonna keep everything real.

There isn't much to say. My life is as happy as it can be. The world is changing, I'm moving with it. School is good, and life is great, but the one I want to be with is 3,000 miles away. I might be foolish in caring, but all I know is that she's the one for me.

I find it interesting though, the idea of monogamy, being such an importance in any romantic relationship. When science apparently tells us that we are actually very polygamous animals, our morals that we learned from religion and social media tells us otherwise. I may have found the "perfect" girl for my life, but who is to say that she IS the one. Romantic relationships have always been singular, never plural, and when those that act otherwise are ostracized into the category of no return. The Cheater. How is that we as a culture worldwide found that even though polygamy is natural, still feel the need to stay monogamous? Even I thinking this thought still feel that monogamy is way more solid and valuable than polygamy, but I question is it because I was told all these 20 years of my life, or is it through just what we value that contradicts everything we are supposed to feel. The American taboo of sex, the American taboo of "under-aged" pregnancy when in fact both are completely natural. sex is generally natural, and Teens are starting to figure out that it feels fucking great.

Regardless, my life can only get better if one of us was to move across the States. At this point, I can only have as much as I got at the moment. But even walking through campus and looking at all the cute, smart girls i talk to and see, Nothing feels as special as the one that is most distant to me. I'm sure I can get laid if i tried hard enough, but I swear that I'm just not up for easy when my whole life was hard to begin with. Nothing sticks to my head more than she does.

Jesus, I've been watching too many chick flicks in my day.